8 Conversations That Matter Most for Shared Leadership
Critical topics for building trust with co-leaders, collectives, and anyone looking to share power.
When my partner and I decided to get married, I knew we needed to talk about a lot of things. And there are a ton of resources out there — counselors, books, podcasts, magazines, and checklists. The relationship economy is clearly booming.
However, what we found most useful were the Eight Conversations That Matter Most in Relationships by Julie and John Gottman. We read their book before and after tying the knot, and I continue to refer to the concepts in it regularly. Almost immediately after starting the book, I began thinking about its applications to the partnerships we have with people with whom we work.
Having served in co-leadership models in two social justice organizations and been a part of many community-based and national efforts to advance justice and equity, I couldn’t help reflecting on what those of us working together had taken time to talk through and what we had not. I thought about the transformative conversations I’d had with colleagues that fast-tracked trust and collaboration. And I thought about some stuff we should have talked about that probably would have helped us through some rough patches and value each other more.
I used to tell people, when they asked me about co-leadership, that they only needed to think about three things: communicating, delegating, and navigating conflict. However, after reading the Gottmans’ book and really reflecting on what helped build trust in my relationships with people I worked and organized with, I realized there were more foundational considerations.
The Purpose of the Conversations
The conversation topics I’ve identified are designed to engage co-leaders in self-reflection, conversations, and planning that help them build an effective, sustainable, and joyful shared-leadership model. The experience of reflection and conversation emphasizes relationship-building by creating space for storytelling, deep listening, and courageous vulnerability.
The topics are the basis for season one of the Shared Power Podcast, where I interviewed eight people, most of whom I’d worked with directly, about why each conversation is critical to successful partnerships.
We must keep in mind that the conversations are about sharing and listening — deep listening. When I facilitate them, I encourage participants to refrain from interrupting. This can be very difficult for people since we are often taught that leadership is speaking and we tend to be affirmed and rewarded for verbal responses and acuity.
However, the key to building trust is not just sharing, albeit vulnerably, but also being able to really listen to the people with whom we are in relationship.
In the article “How Much Discomfort Is the Whole World Worth?” Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba note:
“Activities that help us hone our practice of listening can make us better organizers, improve our personal relationships, and help us build stronger and longer-lasting movements.”
I know there is no magic formula for creating harmony in our organizations and movements. However, reflecting on, discussing, and returning to these topics will help us keep moving toward each other, creating the conditions for resilience in our organizations.
Don’t Skip the Personal Work
That said, besides participating in conversations, it is critical that individuals do two things on their own in tandem with the process.
First, each leader must reflect on their own experiences and thoughts around the topic before entering the conversation. This can be through journaling, drawing, or any other way that gives the person time to think and process before doing so with others.
Secondly, I recommend that anyone committing to the conversations also seeks separate opportunities for their own personal growth in respect to learning edges they’ve identified and healing necessary to address past traumas.
The Eight Topics
OK, here are the “eight date” conversations I recommend for co-leaders, collectives, and any group attempting to lead a project, an organization, or a movement together:
Topic 1: Telling Our Origin Stories
Reflect on and share backgrounds, beliefs, assumptions, and commitments with one another.
Topic 2: (Re)Defining Leadership
Reflect on and share beliefs about what effective leadership looks like in general and for the organization with one another.
Topic 3: Connecting Identity and Power
Reflect on and share how race, class, and other parts of our identity show up in how we approach work.
Topic 4: Uncovering Communication Styles
Reflect on and share preferred styles and modalities of communication.
Topic 5: Making Decisions
Reflect on and share how and when individual and collective decisions are made.
Topic 6: Navigating Conflict
Reflect on and share approaches and ways to address interpersonal conflict and organizational crises with one another.
Topic 7: Embracing our Zones of Genius
Reflect on and share each person’s life purpose and passions and how they can lean in to those at work.
Topic 8: Following Through
Reflect on and share how each person can set themselves up for success. Think about how to ensure follow through and compassionately hold one another accountable.
Clearly, it probably won’t be enough to talk about these topics once. However, if you can talk about them early on in your partnership, referencing and revisiting them will be easier later and, hopefully, become a part of your culture.
For example, I was once a co-director in an organization that was starting from scratch but was the dream of a lot of people. The board wanted shared leadership from the start. They chose a well-respected community organizer and me, a nonprofit administrator at the time, to be the first directors.
The other co-director and I did not know each other before working together, but we got along well and enjoyed being in each other’s company. Although we both had held leadership positions in nonprofit organizations, my colleague’s primary training was in organizing and mine was in education, so we approached how we thought about programming differently.
Further, I identify as a Black cisgender woman, who was raised in the Deep South, and my colleague was a white cisgender immigrant male. I had never been an executive director before, but my colleague had. I was used to having semi-regular (long) hours and filling them with work; he was accustomed to working whenever things came up. Needless to say, I started feeling that he set his own hours, wore whatever clothes he wanted, and still got the same pay and respect. Being new in that level of leadership, I spent more time trying to prove myself, especially at board and funder meetings.
We knew each other’s origin stories; they came up a lot, and I think they contributed to our mutual respect for one another. But we didn’t really talk about what leadership looked like for each of us, and we definitely needed to talk about identity and power.
As another example, I’ve known of a shelter for women escaping domestic violence that had been around for decades but recently had decided to move from a single executive director (ED) to a co-director model. Both of the directors they’d hired had nonprofit experience and knew and respected each other, but both were new to leadership. One had already been working at the shelter, reporting to the previous ED. They had training in trauma-informed counseling and advanced degrees in psychology and women’s and gender studies. The other had work experience in a different nonprofit and a business-related degree from a community college. She was a woman of color who was a survivor of domestic violence and had received services from the very shelter she was now called to co-lead.
Clearly, all of the conversations were needed in that situation. However, complex situations like these make it so that I recommend beginning with the first three topics in the order listed:
1 - Telling Our Origin Stories
2 - (Re)Defining Leadership
3 - Connecting Identity and Power
After that, there is no particular suggested order, just that the participants agree to give each topic some time, taking on what seems essential at the moment.
For example, for the shelter co-directors, I’d recommend their next conversations be about making decisions because the rest of the staff had only experienced one director in the past and they needed to be clear about who was leading on what to ensure clarity between each other and the rest of the staff.
In another example, a media organization that I was a part of founding evolved into a collaborative leadership model, with at least three people holding top director positions at any given time. To me, after moving through the first three conversations, this group might move on to a zones-of-genius discussion sooner than later.
I truly believe having all of these conversations will result in stronger relationships between co-leaders, more clarity about roles and responsibilities of each leader, and consensus on practices and processes that honor the goal of sharing power in order to advance justice.
The eight conversations I mention in this article come from the book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Drs. Julie and John Gottman, which my partner and I read.
Be sure to listen to season one of our Shared Power Podcast to learn more about the conversations, why I believe they are key to advancing justice, and ways to apply them to our work and movements.
Learn more about Mia’s facilitation offerings based on the eight conversations.